I’m good! How are you?
The response is typical. One that you would expect to hear as someone meets up with a friend and exchanges that initial greeting. It happens almost without thinking, to the point that, even when things are not going well, we still reply – “I’m good.”
We don’t want others to see our mess, yet we crave knowing that there are others out there who are surviving or even thriving in a similar mess. Yet what we end up seeing are staged shots where the mess has been pushed to the side, and the facade of perfection takes its place.
It’s a battle of thought.
We begin to believe that everything has to look perfect on the outside in order to be accepted. We may know in our minds that this isn’t so, but our actions reveal that this lie has dug it’s way deeper than we wanted it to.
I’ve started noticing this struggle a lot in writing for my business. I begin to think of how I can share in new ways, and then my mind shuts it down. It says that my house is too small and cluttered – that it will discourage, rather encourage moms around me. It says people don’t want to see the journey in the middle of the mess – that I have to be perfect, or at least present myself as perfect.
It shows up again even as I write here on Homestead to Heaven. This blog is about my journey, but then my mind tells me that I’m sharing (or want to share) about too many different things. It says people don’t want to hear about my spiritual journey one week and then chickens the next, but that’s my journey. That’s me.
Since when did we start to be afraid to share our true selves?
Now I’m not talking about coming out in ways that are inherently immoral, but when did we start to be afraid of sharing our gifts, our joys, our sorrows, our weird crazy sides, our deep contemplative sides….
When did we stop letting others in?
As I continue to contemplate this, I’m going to strive to do better to not be ashamed that my journey doesn’t look picture perfect. I’m going to strive to not be ashamed of who I am at this moment, and work to improve the things that need improving.
So here I am.
I’m Nicole – a bit quirky, but with a heart that loves bringing joy to the lives of others. A bit awkward during small talk, but loves getting into deep discussions that search the soul. Still working on gaining confidence as a struggling business owner. Loves to start many projects, but squirrels away a bit prematurely for most. Has a desire for land and a large home to call her own. Loves her family, which include her husband, children, biological parents and siblings, extended family, and in-laws. Totally introverted, but really tries to reach out as energy levels permit. I love people, but then there are days or weeks that I just want to be a hermit. Sometimes I end up retreating into myself and inadvertently hurt others when I stop being able to reach out. A bit slower than many, I set my own pace – some days I do a little sprint, but most days it’s slowly, slowly. Many days I feel lonely, but am thankful to be surrounded by those who love me and support me no matter how imperfect I am.
That’s enough for now.
As I get back to the rhythms of life, I’d love to get to know you more too!
Tell me more about you in the comments!