Before getting pregnant again….
Will I get pregnant again?
Will I ever be able to carry a baby to term?
After getting pregnant again…
Will this baby live?
Counting the weeks leading up to last loss.
Waiting for the first prenatal appointment. Is there a heartbeat?
Okay… We’re past the week where I lost the baby!
The fear continues
Finally! Kicks….
Oh, no! When was the last time I felt a kick?! Kick baby, kick!
The joy of ultrasounds
Kick baby, kick!
They tell me the fear never really ends, which I am finding to be true. Before miscarrying our last child at 15 weeks, I thought I was immune to miscarriage. Losing her left me feeling vulnerable and weak; second-guessing every little symptom or pain, or even lack thereof. If you have found yourself in this same position, please know that it’s okay to feel that way. Reach out and let others know what you are feeling. Find people who will be there for you on those days where you feel like you can’t go on. Trust me, one day you will be able to go on.
In just a few weeks, it will have been a year since losing our daughter. It has been filled with all of the emotions of pain, joy, fear, and hope. The beginning was oh, so rough. The tears, the sorrow, and the heartache were more than I thought I could bear. However, through the pain and with the help of God’s grace, there came about a transformation. Although I will never understand why He called Faith home so soon, the experience has ultimately brought me closer to Him and better able to trust in His Divine Providence.
Sitting here typing this, I’m comforted with the miracle and gift of her sister kicking inside of me. The fear is still there, but each day is a choice to give that fear to Him. This echoes into the other areas of my life as well. Every time I feel out of control, every time I fear the worst, every time I wonder if these dreams He has placed on our hearts will ever be brought to fruition, I am reminded to just give it back to Him.
Have you struggled with the pain of loss? Feel free to share your story in the comments below.
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